Let the Cravings Begin!

I am craving a gyro from Pete's Kitchen. This is annoying because I'm pretty sure I'm not really craving Pete's, I'm just having a junk-food withdrawl. Earlier this morning I was talking with Maria about how Krispy Kreme donuts are only awesome in areas with cold weather (not Southern California). As we were having this discussion... all of a sudden I just neeeeeded a donut. Of course I immediately started looking for ways to get one that it wouldn't count as dining out. At one point I even thought to myself: "I can have a donut, if I buy it from the grocery store (as opposed to a winchells shop) along with other groceries and I don't eat it right away... if I give it a waiting period of like a day...and then ate it ...it wouldn't be fast food or dining out then, right?"

I was trying to find a loophole so I could have what I wanted, even thought I knew it wouldn't be in the spirit of what i'm trying to do. Not to say thast delights are bad... but in this case, it's just substitution. I may be fixing the food but not (One of my many bad habits) the instant gratification through food.

You see, this is a problem I have that I generally don't acknowledge. I just made breakfast an hour ago. I'm not hungry, I'm not hungry for Petes, I don't NEED a donut, I wasn't planning to meet anyone there....I just wanted something tasty. But why? I mean, I like good food and all, but that's why I fry eggs every morning in a gloriously greasy cast iron pan. I am not hungry ...really I'm eating for entertainment or sheer pleasure. This is a habitIi largely ignore but need to break... eating JUST for fun. I'm not saying that eating shouldn't be pleasurable but I should eat (food I like) when I'm hungry.

Yesterday I felt the need for something sweet ...this is where it gets embarrassing and a little disturbing. I found myself rummaging through my baking cupboard looking for chocolate chips. Instead I found a box of semi sweetened chocolate bars I had intended to use for a chocolate pecan pie in December. I did a little happy dance in my kitchen and skipped off with the box. I had three of the eight servings of chocolate in one sitting. Each serving is litterally 2/3 of a hershey bar I had two full chocolate bars worth of chocolate in about 15 minutes.

Now, you might be asking yourself "its not fast food or dining out... whats the problem?" The problem is a clear lack of self control on my part. Maria wrote a blog with a similar experience a few days ago. I recommend it. But (at risk of plagerizing her) I agree with her.... What I did, didn't break my lenten promise, it simply missed the point. The purpose of this practice is to turn an unexamined or negative process into something progressive or positive and to turn to God and suffer along with Jesus in the meantime. ...But that is not what I did, In the absence of what I really wanted (to just eat some quick and tasty for entertainment) I found a similar and equally destructive and unfulfilling thing to fill the empty space that existed in the absence of my usual behavior.

I should've been turning toward God, but instead turned toward ...semisweet baking chocolate to make me feel better. But lent is not about exchanging one vice or indulgence for another... It is about recognizing how you feel in the absence of something you would usually do... recognize the difficulty and whats happening, and to turn to God for strength, help and inspiration for more productive alternatives.

I can't promise I wont do this again.... But now I am aware of it. And to be aware is a step in the right direction... last year I said I wanted to focus on the spiritual aspect of lent in 2010. Im not there yet, but I think I'm onto something here.

Peace, mercy, and strength in God

-John