The Last Run of the Season

Last night my kickball team played our last playoff game. We lost to the away team: Kickball 3.0 in the semi-final round of the playoffs.

In last week's playoff game I noticed the attitude on the field became more serious and intense than I recall experiencing before. a few high and long kicks made it out to right field and I missed the catch a few times. So I opted to sit out a few innings and let someone a little more skilled at catching take my spot before the other team figured out I couldn't catch and started pounding the kickball my direction.

The pressure of performance got into my head. Not a lot but enough to make me doubt myself and not want to be the one to let the team down.

So this week I defaulted to the same. I only played the outfield the first inning and and then kicked when I was up in the rotation.

My first up, I pretended I was going to kick the ball hard down the center of the field. but instead at the last second punted. This trick has worked well for me in the past, especially against lesser experienced teams that didn't know how to respond to a punt. I't's usually been a guaranteed run to first for me. But not this time.

Instead it was picked up and thrown me within a fraction of a second. I had only run three steps and i felt the ball bounce off of my mid back with that familiar hollow BLOINK! sound it makes when it makes contact with a runner. Usually I'm happy to hear this sound because all this season it has been our team tagging people out, but instead it was me being tagged out.

There I was, running to first while my team mates cheered me on from only a few feet away from the line as I ran by. The adrenaline pumping, the wind blowing my hair and before I knew it BLOINK! I had been tagged out mid run. Right there only a few feet away of my team mates. I swore my usual swear word aloud and walked back to my group feeling more pressure than ever. Now I didn't dare try to play outfield I already was an easy out for the other team and i didn't want to let my team down. I thought the best i could do was take my self out of the picture and be replaced by someone more skilled.

The other team was in my head. Fear of losing was in my head. Desire not to be the worst Kickballer ever ...was in my head. I've realized recently that this is what I do, I feel pressure, get scared ...and do nothing. I stop. This has not worked well for me at all.

While watching with our team manager/scorekeeper from the sidelines I noticed something. even our best players were dropping balls they were catching and missing catches completely.and every time this happened the other team seemed to bring more and more people home.

I could see the stress on my team mates faces, what was once fun and more about drinking beer and telling stories than about the game itself; had within two games become intense and stressful. The other team hadn't just gotten into our heads, but the desire to simply not lose was weighing on us with ever increasing pressure. I could see the concentration in the eyes of our pitcher every time he threw. At the bottom of the 4th inning, the girl whom I follow after in the kicking rotation got tagged as the third out during her run to first base. I knew what was coming next, I was the first kicker in the fifth and final inning (because kickball only has five innings).

The top of the fifth inning went quickly. I sat there knowing I was on the spot. Most times when I kick the ball hard, it either goes straight into the hands of the pitcher directly in front of me, or it ends up becoming a pop fly in the out field.

I watched my team mates with unease in my stomach. I wondered to myself if I could exchange my place in the kicking rotation for one of our sure shot power kickers. However according to WAKA regulations any modifications to the kicking rotation have to be done before the start of the game. I was going to be next and backing out wasn't an option.

I've made some runs this season so I know that i'm not the most worthless kicker ever but I knew I didn't want to disappoint. The top of the fifth inning was over quickly. I don't know if my team mates had resigned to losing and had given up, which had in turn taken the pressure off allowing them to actually preform. but for the first time this game balls being kicked were caught without dropping them and runners were tagged out quickly.

This was the shortest inning of the game. At three outs my team ran back to the sidelines and I walked up to bat. I knew what I had to do. I had to switch it up and kick it hard. I knew if I punted they would: a.) be expecting it. b.) even If they weren't expecting a punt it would probably be a repeat of my last at bat. Over quickly. This catcher knew how to respond to punters.

But if I kicked they might not be expecting it, but even if they were i had a better chance at getting on base than a punt at this point.

So again, I got down and looked like I was going to kick it hard the same way I had looked before.

The pitcher rolled it fast but too far to the left, I could see that it was going to bee a ball and not a strike long before it even came to me. I didn't move a muscle. I just looked past him for a good spot to kick. Somewhere in the outfield where players seemed sparse and less likely to catch a ball mid-air.

The pitcher rolled the ball again only this time to far to the right knocking over the cone on the right corner of the batting box. I still didn't move a muscle. "Ball two," shouted the referee. I could feel the butterflies in the pit of my stomach, and not the good kind. The catcher behind me stirred and muttered something under his breath, he was close behind me, they were expecting me to punt. The butterflies increased their fluttering.

The pitcher rolled the ball again. about halfway to home base I could see that the ball was veering to the right, but not enough to be a ball. I was not going to be walking to first base.

I ran a step towards the ball and kicked as hard as i could over the head of the short stop and out into right field. My team mates yelled run as I sprinted as fast as I could to first. Almost there I saw the outfielders still just picking up the ball too far away to make a single throw for second. I rounded first to the sound of the base coach shouting "run for second!" So I ran for second and made it just before the ball came to the second baseman. I made it on base, and to second no less. at least I wasn't a total disappointment.

Tommy came next and kicked a foul immediately, but kicked his next ball into the right field. The third base coach was screaming run for home as i launched myself off of second base and into a full sprint. I rounded third and ran for home as fast as I could, crossing home plate only a moment before the ball slammed into the hands of the catcher.

Im not sure if Tommy had gotten tagged out or not, I just know that not only had I taken the chance and attempted to perform at a higher level (even if for only one kick) But that my effort had paid off and I had brought it home. The next up to kick from our team didn't make it past first before getting tagged out. I was my teams last run kicked in of the season.

For those who have participated in team sports you might be familiar with what I call the g-game line at the end of every game. It's when both teams line up and walk past one another giving high fives and saying g-game to each other. This is the last thing both teams do before leaving the field to celebrate victories or lick wounds with a pep talk about "how good the season was" and "better luck next game." Both of these are a way of bringing closure to the game or for us, a summer of kickball.

Maria and I walked to my car after the game (and good byes to the team mates). We talked about how fun kickball had been all season, up until our playoff games, and how the playoffs had just gotten super intense. I made the comment that the stress had gotten to our team and that we were dropping balls and missing kicks we never would have missed in the regular reason. We had let the pressure get to us, me especially. The going got tough and I sat out, until I couldn't sit out without disappointing others. I was left with the options of risk dropping the ball one way or absolutely drop the ball another. and when I took up the ball I succeeded (at least enough to make me somewhat happy).

Sometimes I surprise myself. So this makes me ask myself the question what is it about pressure or expectation that makes me shut down when I'm perfectly capable of preforming.? and now I apply this game as metaphor to the rest of my life. I may not win at everything, but What would my life look like If I got in the game more often and kept playing instead of waiting by the sidelines hoping for the sure shot? I like doing well even if the outcome is different from my desired result. Knowing this, why do I allow myself to be scared or over whelmed by what might happen when I could just give it my best shot and find out. I would waste so much less time that way, not to mention grey hairs ;)

Reflections on Blue Like Jazz

This book has deeply effected me in the way I view faith the church and community. (Not so much God, that's still about the same as it was). But I realized I should have written these thoughts down long time ago. I was writing a response to a discussion I had started about this book on my conference facebook a few months ago and figured if I didn't post it on my blog, I'd forget about all these thoughts I had, like they'd just fall out of my head. The question I had posed to the discussion group was, "Have you read Blue Like Jazz, and what part effected you or stood out the most?"

Reflections on Blue Like Jazz:

1. Intentional community, because no man is an island ...no matter how hard I try. When Don's pastor encouraged him to stop being reclusive and live amongst people in a community house. I never realized what it meant to live in community with other people until I moved to denver and lived alone, community pulled me out of the slump I had gradually slipped into.

2. The Idea of tithing as being important. After I read this I started titheing.what is strange is that i finally felt like I was pulling my weight at the church i was at. not what the church does with my tithes, that is a different issue. I like to see my hard earned dollars at work, especially when i have to make personal sacrifices like never eating out, or not buying any new stuff, in order to be able to tithe. then I start getting picky about wether my sacrifice is being wasted or not. I never really considered titheing because I thought i'd never be able to afford it.

3. When Don joined that group at (Reed College) a secular college and he offered confession to people who had been hurt by the church or cut off from God through rejection from the church. and by confession I mean apologized for the sins of the church against these people. I'm sure we all know some one who has lost faith because they feel they have been wronged through the church. But the Idea that a person would bother to reach out and apologize for the way the church has treated people and had been too full of itself to apologize to someone's face and really mean it. This blew my mind. but I feel there is a beauty to the moment when the church can admit to being imperfect and reach out in it's brokeneness to other people it has broken. I see Christ in that, and it colors how I see church, but for the better.

Follow Through. Yes!

I made it through lent without eating "fast food," these are my thoughts.

1. I saved money and lost weight

2. It was a lot more difficult the first two weeks. Then I got into the rhythm and it was so much better.

3. I had no idea how dependent I was on fast food in general which has also made me aware of how dependent I am on dining out. and I don't like how much I do that either.

4. In order to be successful with this I had to dramatically change my life style. This included; eating breakfast every day so I wouldn't be as tempted to stop for lunch on my way home from school. another change was in the pre-planning as in making sure i woke up earlier every day to make a lunch. so, really in order to succeed at this and be successful, I had to construct a new (and more responsible) routine in the morning. Getting up early also resulted in me not looking like I just rolled out of bed when I got into class.

5. Everyone seems to experience the meaning of lent in completely different ways... some focus on the suffering as redemptive or meditative. Some see this as an opportunity to just give up a vice they've been wanting to let go of for a while. Some see lenten fasts as stupid and pointless, expressing that this has nothing to do with Jesus (me about 46 days ago). Initially I saw this as an exercise in self control. but upon reflection i think this has to do with re-prioritizing my values.

I am focusing on the positive change I have made and the benefits that rhythm has brought to my life recently. I guess the correlation that comes to my mind, corny as it may be, is that our relationship and struggles with Christ though not always easy or fun, are meant to change us for the better. I feel better, my wallet thanks me, and I'm happy with waking up early and pre-planning for the day as opposed to waking up late, flying by the seat of my pants all day, and stopping in for lunch somewhere on my way in between events which more often than not makes me a little late or stressed.

I haven't given up fast food for the rest of my life, but during lent I have definitely broken the cycle I was in (that I didn't realize I was in). For this I am grateful. so really this was about being inspired to take a step back, reassess a few things, break a negative cycle and do something positive and beneficial in it's stead. I think this was a great experience for me. What cycle can I break next year? How will I experience God through this next time?

Lenten Fast Food Detox Update

So just an update, I made it through my trip to california without being seduced by In-and-Out burger, mmmm. as for fast food.... I pretty much don't miss it anymore. I spend less money on food, and I lost 7 lbs. Without doing anything. Kinda nice. But the thing I'm most excited at this moment (outside of the spiritual aspect, I'm still working on that) is that I actually have gone through all of this without losing interest or giving up on this. So yeah, no lenten cheating yet. :)

Coffee or Beer? The Dilemma of My Day.

So I just woke up with the strangest question in my head. in the spirit of self assessment, which could I truly not live without? Coffee, or alcoholic beverages. to truly assess this I had to break it down and put it into perspective.

Coffee or gin? ...coffee.

Coffee or wine? as much as Wine makes me feel fancy at dinner in it's special glass ...coffee.

Coffee or a gooood micro brew, like Moose Drool, or Ye Olde Bongwater. ...coffee

For social settings. coffee or beer? Well, I have had some great conversations with friends over both, but only one has caused me to say something stupid or barf, and it was not coffee.

So I guess coffee wins hands down. and it makes my morning soooo much better.

Oh the Temptation. Get Behind Me Satan!

So some of my friends don't think I'm going to be able to make it through this whole lent thing. I do. though they respect me and what I'm trying to do, I'm afraid they could not help themselves. They have taken to texting me pictures of fast food from one of my favorite Missoula fast food joints, Taco Del Sol. It's amazing! Better than both Rubios, Wahoo's or Qdoba.

I know they think they are being funny right now, and lets face it, I'm more pissed I'm not the one sending the pictures and annoying them from 900 miles away. But it's actually reminding me that I havn't eaten anything yet today, which is doubley annoying.

But on a lighter note, me being occasionaly hungary and reminded of my lenten promise is starting to cause me to think of how much i consume as a person. I eat because I'm hungary, bored, "tipsy" or to keep something i cooked from going bad. But for me to assert control over this minute part of my life is actually causing me to re evaluate my behaviors of food consumption. The conclusion I have come to is that I consume a lot, and not because I need to, but because I can. When I do this, over time I lose track of what is and is not "normal" or "acceptable".

Now, I take this one step further, how much in my life am I consuming needlessly? Greedily? In the face of a nation wide economic crisis, I continue to consume. What the hell is wrong with this picture? Is it possible for me to go one week ore even one day without spending a single dollar? I used to do it all the time as an undergrad.

I'm not trying to beat myself up or be masochistic here. I'm just sharing some thoughts that have crossed my mind over the past few days. My bishop actually had some interesting words about lent for me today, about the fast being bracketed before and after by celebration and feast, but more on that as I have to ponder how that fits in to all of this.

Thank you all for your thoughts and kind words.

-Joh

Okay. This is Just Ridiculous Now.

Is it just me, or does it seem like the universe is trying to knock me off of my game?

So I went to my apartment where I used to live, to collect my mail and this is what I find. In the six months I lived there nothing was ever hung on my door handle or slipped under my door, but this? It's just humorous now...

Rumbly in the Tumbly.

I'm sitting in class right now, and I really want to hit Mc Donalds on my way home. :( but i'm not gonna cave, I'm going to go home and cook. Then study. Yay finals!

Lent. It's not what's left in your pocket at the end of the day.

So, I’m not usually a big fan of lent. I treat it like I treat new years resolutions. I usually break them within 24 hours of sobering up from the night before and realizing “It isn’t as easy as I thought it would be.” This has become such a pattern over the years, that I stopped making resolutions for both holidays about eight years ago.

However I feel different this year. I didn’t bother making a new years resolution because I knew I wouldn’t work out every day. But Lent, I’m actually taking this kind of seriously. It took me forever to decide what I was going to give up. It couldn’t be coffee (have you seen me in the morning?) and though giving up Facebook for Lent is a popular one this year, I can’t because Facebook Is my job.

I feel Kind of lame that I couldn’t give something up that is meaningful such as…. Driving, or Dating, or Facebook. I knew making a decision like this would only result in my usual pattern of sobering finding out how hard it is and giving up on my commitment.

This year I decided to actually make a commitment to something that I would be better off for in the long run and that wouldn’t be too difficult to keep. In other words. Committing to something I would keep by default, because I don’t do it that often, and won’t be more than a minor inconvenience.

I was having a beer and a doughnut with some friends from church last Tuesday (shrove/fat Tuesday) at the “Thin Man” bar on 17^th st.. when I finally decided what I was giving up. “FAST FOOD!” No Mc Donald’s, no Taco Bell, no Goodtimes, and nothing with a drive through window. This would be perfect. It would keep me from eating Junk-food and save me a small fortune over the next month. This was Perfect, and what a breeze to do. 40 days no problem!

I moved into a new house this week. All of my food as well as cooking utensils are packed away in unmarked boxes (because I am a genius and thought ahead L). Not. So here I am moving boxes and furniture within 24 hours of the beginning of lent, and I’m starving. Then I come to the realization that I can’t find my food, and if I could I can’t find anything to cook it in.

The first thought that crosses my mind, is there’s a Taco Bell a block away. Then, my conscience kicked in. “Really, within 24 hours again?” Hungry as I was, I opted just to drive off to work. So, I’m at the Conference office talking to Carissa and Peggy about how excited I am to go home for spring break. Peggy just laughed and chortled, this was a fine time for me to give up fast food Because my home in California is a block away from The greatest burger ever: In and Out. As she says this to me I realize the truth of her statement. I rarely go home, and when I do One of my greatest pleasures is living so close to an In and Out and popping through there after a day of surfing.

Now I’m really bumming out. Here I thought I picked something that would be easy to keep and already within 24 hours of making this decision I’m frantically looking for loopholes in my head. But, really I know that making this commitment, even if it is small or seemingly arbitrary has BECOME important to me. I don’t NEED fast food, I NEED to unpack and find my stuff. I have never fulfilled a Lenten promise, that’s pretty sad. I would like for once, to fully experience the Lenten season in the same way my friends and family do. I know there are many ways to make a commitment, but this is the one I have made, and I’m sticking to it. It’s been five days, and there’s not a day that has gone by where I haven’t thought, “oh it would be so convenient to just stop in to Goodtimes on my way to work.” I’m not doing this because I enjoy punishing myself, but because I really want to know what this like, and what it’s all about, instead of just writing it off in my head because it is an inconvenience.

So happy Lent-ing to everyone in whatever commitment you have made, may we stand by them all.

Peace.

Where's Fluffy?

I watched "Nick and Norah's infinite playlist the other night. As I was watching this movie I started to wish that the allegedly kick ass band in the movie was real. It made me think of being eighteen again and all of the bands I would go see any night of the week. Was there ever a "Wheres Fluffy" type band that I was into? Kind of, but not really. The closest to this type of band was my favorite for a long time. The Violet Burning, I still love them. I remember getting last minute phone calls from friends or seeing posts on their online message board the day of a spur of the moment show. Then running around trying to get to the show before it started. I remember going with me to see my first "Violet" show at Koo's cafe. We all sat on the floor packed like sardines in the living room of that tiny house just to hear this "amazing" band we had heard so much about. I guess in a way The Violet Burning already was my "Wheres Fluffy," and they're still rockin'. I think I need to see more shows. 

ps. Nick And Nora's Infinite Playlist is a great movie, I recommend it.

pps. In the photo: Herb Grimaud Jr. of the Violet Burning. Taken at the Silver Lake Lounge in Los Angeles.